Caring for a Loved One After Death: Pre-Planning Essentials & Demystifying the Funeral Home Experience

Caring for aging loved ones or individuals with special needs can be overwhelming, but the right knowledge and resources can make all the difference. Eldercare on the Air is your trusted source for expert insights on elder law, financial planning, independent living, and more.

Hosted by Michael Amoruso, an elder law and special needs attorney, this weekly program brings together professionals and real-life experiences to help you make informed decisions. Whether you’re facing an immediate care crisis or planning for the future, we provide the tools you need to navigate life’s challenges with confidence.

Join us on 107.1 The Peak or visit EldercareOnTheAir.com to access past episodes and valuable resources. Empower yourself to make sound choices for your loved ones and secure their dignity, security, and well-being.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

You've lived well, you've worked hard to make your place in this world. Your dignity and security are earned and well deserved. Or maybe you have a loved one who needs you more than ever. Well, we can help you help them plan life better. Amaruso, Amaruso.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Welcome to Eldercare on the Air, a weekly radio show with guests in the fields of eldercare, special needs, financial services, independent living, and yes, people just like you, where we will empower you to make sound choices when you're faced with an eldercare or special needs crisis. My name is Michael Amoruso, an elder law and special needs attorney with Amoruso& Amoruso in Rybrook, New York, which services clients in New York, Connecticut, and Massachusetts. You're at our new home, 107.1 The Peak. But I do encourage you to go onto our website, eldercareontheair.com. That's eldercareontheair.com. Click on the radio show tab you see. And just simply download the episode you'd like to listen to. You see, this show is designed to arm you with the knowledge and tools that you need to make sound choices to help you or a loved one age in place. If you have any questions or would like to hear topics on future episodes of Eldercare on the Air, please send us an email at info at eldercareontheair.com. That's info at eldercareontheair.com. Today I'm thrilled to have a long-term friend of mine join the show. His name is William Flux. Now, I'm going to call him Bill for all you guys out there. That's what I call him. Now, we've never really devoted an entire show to what happens after we pass. Our shows are typically based on how to plan to help you age in place in life. But as you all know, there's a point in time where Our lives may end, and what happens next? What does the family need to do? So hopefully this show is going to give you the ability to start those wheels turning and planning well in advance. And if you don't have the luxury of planning in advance, Bill's going to walk you through today what he does as an undertaker to help the families. So Bill, welcome to our show. And I want the audience to know that you are the funeral director at Beecher Fluke's Funeral Home in Pleasantville, New York. And just a full disclosure to all of you, Bill has serviced a number of my family members. And I've always been impressed watching Bill navigate the entire scene. So Bill, welcome to our show.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

Thank you, Mike. It's nice to be here. Always good to see you. And it's an experience. It's always good to see

SPEAKER_01 3:24

you. It's great to see you again. It's been a while since we've been able to see each other. So, Bill, tell the audience and me as well, because it's been a while, Beecher Fluke's Funeral Home. It's in Pleasantville, but tell the audience about it.

SPEAKER_02 3:40

Okay, so I've been the owner of the Beecher Fluke's Funeral Home since 2004. I'm a second-generation funeral director following in my father's footsteps. And I enjoy doing what I do. I know it sounds weird to say you enjoy it, but in helping people in a very difficult time. One of our taglines is the place to turn in your time of need. And we hope that you do turn to us because we're there for you. My son, Billy, works with me. So he's a third-generation funeral director. And so it's a family-owned, operated business. And... We're there, our family, serving your family in your time of need.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

So, Bill, when should a family reach out to you?

SPEAKER_02 4:28

Well, we have pre-planning, at need, general service, and after-care follow-ups. But it's always very important to know what you're going to do for your loved one when they do pass, whether it's going to be a burial, whether it's going to be a cremation. whether you're going to have visitation, any type of religious services, everyone has different thoughts and different ideas. And I could give you many, many examples, but I'll give you the one where there were six siblings sitting in the office with six completely different ideas. And I do mean different ideas about what they were going to do with their father. So I left them for half an hour until they were able to work out what they wanted. come to a decision among all of them that was amicable for all of them because it was a difficult decision so you know those are those situations and I had another person we came in to make arrangements for her husband and she brought her daughter with her and went through all the details and we had to go in of course to the casket selection room so she walked around took a few minutes and she selected the casket for her husband and on the way out she poked her daughter in the arm and said Mary See this casket? That's for me. So as we're walking out and I turned to the daughter, I said, you're off the hook. Mom took you off the hook by telling her what she wants. So those are the things that it's a very difficult time. So if you do come in and pre-plan, we talk. We don't have to come to any conclusions because nothing has to be solidified that day because the person is still alive.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

But you know, Bill, you hit on something right there. You hit on the situation where there was no advanced communication of how someone wanted their own funeral to go. And you had six siblings trying to fight it out as to which direction they were going to go in with six different ideas. You had a situation with a mother and a daughter, and the mother is selecting for her husband, but then she told her daughter at least one minor aspect of what she wanted. She said it. So communication is critical, I would think. to ease even the threat of disagreement, argument, when people are grieving over the person they just lost.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

But it's huge to have these things done ahead of time or at least point someone, whoever's going to be in charge of your final arrangements, pointing them in the right direction so that they can feel completely secure satisfied with what you want, because it's really what you want for your services. Like again, whether it's a burial or cremation, cremations are on the rise, which is fine. Kind of the old fashioned, you know, you had to have, you know, two, three day wake and a burial and all of the pomp and circumstances has changed. And that's the type of society we're in now today. And that's okay. But we roll with the punches and just want to do what is best for the the deceased and their families.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

And Bill, this brings to question, I'm sure the audience may be thinking this, who has priority to make these decisions? I mean, there is a legal document that you can sign called the Disposition of Remains document in New York State where you're appointing someone to make these decisions. But from your perspective, legally, who do you look towards for the priority of guidance?

SPEAKER_02 8:04

Well, if there's a surviving spouse, they would have really the first... first ones to be able to make those decisions. And with the guidance then hopefully of the older of siblings, if you had three or four siblings, three or four children, you kind of look to the oldest one and then go from there. But there is, as you said, that document that points out who has the right to make those decisions. And in a pre-need agreement, if you did a pre-need, we usually have that document executed so we know who that person is who the go-to person is for your arrangements.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

And when we come back after our commercial break, we're going to get into the different types of pre-need agreements that Bill's referring to. But Bill, you know, before we go to commercial, why don't you walk them through the process? You get this phone call, right, that someone has passed. Walk them through, from your perspective, your process dealing with the body, dealing with the family, from the moment you get the call to the moment the person's either cremated or in the ground?

SPEAKER_02 9:14

So when we get that call, we gather some information that we're going to need to make the transfer back into our care at the funeral home. Now, whether it be at the person's residence, a nursing home, or at a hospital, whatever those facility is, then we make the arrangements to transfer them back into our care as soon as possible because we want them in our care, not just... in a place in the hospital, and then we gather, we need them to make an appointment to come in, maybe they bring in clothing, and we give them a list of statistical things that we need, date of birth, place of birth, that's going to go on the death certificate, which we have to fill out to file for their final disposition, and then we try and get a feel from them about what they're thinking about religious-wise, and whether it be burial or cremation, so we can make those necessary adjustments when they do come in. So that's kind of that. And then at that point, we'll set up a time for you to come in and sit down with us and go over whatever other details we need and what you need. And it's going to be at your convenience. It doesn't have to be that day. It can be the next day, as long as we have some direction as what we're going to do.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

And Bill, give them a sense of what to expect when they come into that meeting. I mean, you mentioned before a coffin room. There's got to be payment for these services. Walk them through... What do you expect?

SPEAKER_02 10:39

So, yeah, when you would come into the office and we would sit down and discuss, first we go over the particulars that you've given us for the death certificates, that they're correct. We want them to be exact. We don't want any mistakes on that. And then we discuss what they're going to do in terms of visitation, graveside service, chapel service, synagogue service, and discuss what they're going to do along those lines. And when they want to actually have all of this happen, because... You have children who are out of town, out of the country. So we have to accommodate those visitation times or service times to make sure everyone is able to be there. And then we set that all up for you. And we go from there to the service and visitation, burial or cremation.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

And, you know, you heard Bill just use a phrase, we set that up for you. That's one of the things that I've always been impressed with, with families. with Beecher Flukes is you're there, or your son Billy is there, and you guys are operating this as each service, each individual service, as the CEO of that service. You're taking control of it for the family. That's one of the most impressive things. Tell the audience your perspective on that.

SPEAKER_02 11:57

Well, I always like to think, and my son Billy thinks the same way, that our family is serving your family. in your time of need, your time of grief, and it's a very difficult time. No matter how old they are or how young they are, it's very difficult because if it's your mother and she's 100, it's still your mother or your father or your spouse. And so we try and treat each family like it's our family, and that's the motto that we have there is family serving family and taking care of your needs.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Excellent. So, Bill, how could folks get in touch with you if they want to learn more information about the process, about Beacher Flukes? And as we talk about in our next segment, pre-planning, who do they call?

SPEAKER_02 12:44

They can call us. I have a website, beacherflukesfh.com, and you can peruse the services there. We actually have a pre-arrangement online where you can fill out a form that comes to us. So we have all the information ahead of time if you want to come in to talk to us, whether it's pre-planned or at need. And there's merchandise on there, and there's descriptions of our services. And it gives you a little more, a better idea of what you're going to be faced with when you do decide to come in again, whether it's pre-need or at need.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

And Bill, why don't you spell Beecher Flux for them so they have the actual website?

SPEAKER_02 13:20

Sure. It's Beecher, B as in boy, E-E-C-H-E-R. My last name Flux, F as in Frank, L-O-O-K-S-F-H, like Funeral Home, dot com. Beecher Flux, F-H dot com.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Excellent. Well, folks, we're going to take a very quick commercial break, but when we get back, we're going to get into more of the specifics you just heard Bill touch on in terms of the ability to pre-plan for this and also another type of planning that would involve the Medicaid process, how to ensure that your loved one is given the care they need after they pass. We'll be back in a few moments.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Amoruso and Amoruso LLP advises clients on how to obtain public benefits, including Medicaid, and more importantly, how to protect and preserve their assets, whether they be modest or significant. Find Amoruso and Amoruso online at eldercareontheair.com. Amoruso and Amoruso, a 107.1 The Peak Ask the Expert partner.

SPEAKER_03 14:21

Amoruso and Amoruso, empowering you to care for the ones you love.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

Welcome back to Eldercare in the Year. I'm Michael Amoruso. And again, I'm so happy to be here with a good friend of mine. His name is William Flux. He is a funeral director at Beecher Flux Funeral Home in Pleasantville, New York. And, uh, For those of you that missed any portion of this, just log on to our website at eldercareontheair.com. That's eldercareontheair.com. And while typically these shows are devoted to aging in place and providing an appropriate level of care or legal guidance, financial guidance to those of you that are aging, we also have to worry about the care of our loved one after they pass. And that's what this show is really dedicated towards. And I'm thrilled that Bill is able to be here to help just demystify some of the things that we may take for granted when someone dies. So Bill, again, welcome to our show.

SPEAKER_02 15:25

Glad to be here. Thank

SPEAKER_01 15:26

you. It's great to have you back. And in this segment of our show, Bill, I really want to turn more towards the ability to plan ahead versus... And it's not for everybody. There are, of course, those situations where someone may pass unexpectedly, young age, even at an older age. It's totally unexpected. And they didn't have the luxury of planning for their funeral or wake in advance. So you'll get those phone calls, of course. But let's really focus on the power that somebody has to actually pre-plan. So what does that mean from your perspective, pre-planning?

SPEAKER_02 16:07

So if you're going to pre-plan a funeral, and I just wanted to dispel a certain myth that people have, that when you want to make a pre-plan or you're preparing for someone's funeral, that you're wishing them dead. That is not what you're doing. What you're doing is probably the best thing you can possibly do because now you can have time to discuss it, even with the person that you're making the arrangements for, just to make sure this is what that person wants. So you can always call and set up a... pre-plan appointment with us and you come in, we sit down. Nothing has to be finalized at that point in time because we were just doing a pre-planning and we're talking about it. Now, if you come in and it's at need and we have to make these decisions that have to take place the next two or three days, then you're kind of up against it and that becomes difficult. But with a pre-plan, we sit down, go through different scenarios about what you would want, what that person would want, what you want to do for that person, and then we Write it up. Don't have to pay for it then. You can take it home. You can discuss it. You can come back. And then you can also pre-plan it and pre-pay it if that's what you want. Otherwise, we just keep the file in the office until the time comes when we need to pull that file out. Different ways that it can be paid. If you don't want to do it then, we take assignments on insurance policies to cover the cost of the funeral. We take checks and we take credit cards. So we make it all simple for you to do that. And the payment doesn't have to be made until after the funeral. We sit down, we go over it all and figure it all out and figure out the best way for you to do this, not to put you in a financial compromising position.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

And Bill, I got to tell you, I really respect you for talking about the pre-planning process because as you know much better than I know, When a family comes in to the funeral home for the wake, one of the last things you want to do is be pulled aside into the business office to take care of business at that point in time. To have that done in advance is such a relief, and it just allows the family members or the loved ones to just come in and grieve and celebrate the person that they just lost. So pre-planning is huge. It's huge.

SPEAKER_02 18:29

It really is. And there's a couple of different aspects of pre-planning. We have the revocable pre-plan, and we have irrevocable pre-plan. In the revocable pre-plan, you come in, and in the state of New York, a funeral director in the state of New York cannot charge you for his time or her time when they come in to sit down with you. That is a completely free interview process that you just come in, sit down, take the papers home with you, or leave them with us, and that's how that works in New York State. And the revocable can go with you anywhere you want. If you pack up tomorrow and go to Florida, we can hold the money, or we can transfer it to a funeral home in Florida.

SPEAKER_01 19:10

That's a great point. It's portable,

SPEAKER_02 19:11

so you can do that. Now, the irrevocable contracts usually are done when you begin an application to apply for Medicaid. And that has to stay in the account, and again... If you were to pack up and take the loved one to Florida, we would hold on to that, and when the time comes, then we would transfer it to that funeral home. Because the only way in the state of New York that that gets released is with a death certificate that is issued after the person has passed away. A certified copy of that is presented to the preplanned group, and then they will transfer the money back to the funeral home.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

And the distinction Bill just made there is a very important one. When you're using the word revocable versus irrevocable, The reason for that differential is this. If it's revocable and you paid any money, any of that money that's in that trust fund is yours. You still own it. So from a Medicaid perspective, if you've got a loved one that needs to be in a nursing home or is receiving home care services and a permissible spend down of their money is to prepay their funeral, it needs to be an irrevocable agreement. That way, Medicaid won't look at that money as being owned by the individual anymore. And it is guaranteed to be there for the funeral of the loved one. And matter of fact, Bill, you can actually for Medicaid purposes, prepay funerals for your family members as well as permissible spend downs. So in that pre-planning process, Bill, you're actually getting into the details of what arrangements you want, right? The number of days of a wake, the actual coffin that you may want to choose to utilize, and all the other bells and whistles that go along with the weight the person would want, correct?

SPEAKER_02 21:05

That is correct. And it's all spelled out. And again, if you pre-plan it, things can change. You can go from one day to two days or two days to one day. It all depends on when the person passes. You run into holidays and things like that. And when you do put the money into the revocable or the irrevocable, it is strictly for the funeral services. Now, some of those costs can go up, but there is an interest rate. The money is housed by the New York State Funeral Director's pre-planned program, and it's with M&T Bank, so your money is FDIC-insured, and that money would just go for the funeral. And people will ask, can't we put the luncheon afterwards on there? No, that's not part of that. We can't put plane tickets on for the grandchildren who are in California. But basically, everything else for that funeral is covered except for ancillary items like that. And it does make it a lot easier when the time comes.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Bill, I'd like to demystify in the planning process the coffin room. A lot of folks would sort of get an eerie feeling hearing that phrase, the coffin room. Describe what the coffin room is, what it is, and why you have such a room, and what the people do when they go into the room. What are they looking for?

SPEAKER_02 22:26

So the jargon in the funeral home or in the funeral industry is the casket selection room. So we have a conference room in the funeral home, and right next door is the casket selection room. So once we've gone through all the services and what you're going to have. And what we do is then we add up what monies the families have spent on services and other items that we have to select so that they have an idea exactly what the dollar figure is going into the casket selection room. Now, whether you're going in to select a casket or an urn for the cremated remains, that's entirely, but they're both in the same place. And you walk in and we start out and we explain that we have wood caskets and metal caskets. And the prices are on them, descriptions are on them, and we walk around with them and just let them ask questions. Families select caskets. We do not sell caskets. Good. And again, it is the price point. Because if you're going into there and you've already spent$10,000, you have in your mind, no matter what you're doing in life, you have in your mind how much you're going to spend on this most of the time. So you're not going to go in and pick a$9,000 casket if you only planned on spending$15,000 on a funeral. So this gives you the option of seeing the metal in the wood caskets and at the price points that you're going to be comfortable with because that's the important thing is that you're comfortable with the financial end that you're going to have to pay.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

And Bill, I'm really glad you're getting into the financial discussion as well because there are, you know, for folks that don't pre-plan and have this arranged and the loved ones have to do this after the person passes, Dollars and cents seem to really matter more sometimes at that point in time for those remaining loved ones. It could influence their inheritance in whatever form or fashion. So talk to the audience about what you and Billy, your son Billy, feel really distinguishes your funeral home from many of the others that are around here.

SPEAKER_02 24:37

Well, again, going back to what we talked about, personalized funeral. family service, that our family is servicing your family and we're there for you. And when you meet with us in the conference room, when you come in for a wake, if you come in for a wake, you're going to see myself and my son Billy. When we go to the church or the synagogue, you're going to see myself or my son Billy. When we go to the cemetery or the crematory, you're going to see myself or my son Billy. And that's the personalization that helps. Nothing falls through the cracks because everything that you have explained to us We're aware of, and that's what you want, and that's what we're going to do. And that's what I think sets us apart, because we are family owned and operated, and we're there for you.

SPEAKER_01 25:19

And I'll tell you, for somebody that's used Beecher Fluxes services, what Bill is describing there is exactly what you notice. You'll see Bill there, or you'll see Billy there. But it's not just that they're there. I've gotten into our cars after we've had the religious services and actually seeing Bill acting as a traffic guard directing traffic so that all of us that are part of the procession could be together as we head to the next place where we're going with our loved one. That's peace of mind right there, knowing that you don't have to control traffic. that aspect of the service. And you can just be there with your family, celebrate and grieve the person that you just lost. Bill, I can't thank you enough for being on our show.

SPEAKER_02 26:11

Thank you for having me, Mike. It's always a pleasure to be here with you and discuss these aspects of the funeral industry because it's important for people to hear this and to even just to think about it.

SPEAKER_01 26:20

Absolutely. Especially what we've all lived through during the COVID process where this was thrust on all of us. It's really important to have this in our minds to allow us to proactively plan. So, Bill, how can they get in touch with you again?

SPEAKER_02 26:38

They can call us at our phone number. It's 914-769-0001. Funny story about that phone number is it was the first one given out in the village of Pleasantville, and the second one was the pharmacy. It was 0002. Well, there were a lot of people who were very upset because they missed dial and didn't get me, not the pharmacy. And they would say, I don't need you yet, Bill. I need Sal, the pharmacist. So that's my number, 914-769-0001. And our website, BeecherFluxFH.com, B-E-E-C-H-E-R-F-L-O-O-K-S-F-H.com.

SPEAKER_01 27:21

Bill, thanks again for joining us. I hope all of you enjoyed this episode. It's not one we all like to talk about, but it's one we have to talk about. And I encourage all of you to entertain pre-planning. Take some of that burden off your family, the same way you plan while you're alive, to remove some of the burdens and responsibilities for those that you love when you're living as you age. Let's do the same thing for when we pass away. And then you'll know that your family can just rest in peace themselves knowing that you decided everything that is taking place. And they can just celebrate your life and grieve a life without you. I look forward to talking to you all next week. Be safe and be well.

SPEAKER_03 28:08

Amaruso and Amaruso Empowering you to care for the ones you love

SPEAKER_00 28:17

Amoruso and Amoruso, a 107.1 The Peak, ask the expert partner. Visit eldercareontheair.com for more details. Amoruso and Amoruso, empowering you to care for the ones you love.